When I was sixteen or seventeen, I had to submit an imaginative essay as part of my English coursework. This piece of Creative Writing was supposed to be – well, I don’t really know.
What I do know is, instead of obeying convention or writing anything with a literary bent, instead I elongated a joke I found in a jokebook to obtain my plot. I gave my characters names that related to bands and sitcoms (Coal Chamber and Red Dwarf, respectively), peppered the whole thing with pop culture references throughout, and wrote one-liners and absurdities instead of any kind of meaningful dialogue. Even the narrative served only as a means of shoe-horning in further jokes, non-sequiturs, and knowing callbacks to the TV shows I was watching at the time. Since it was a fairytale, it had more than an element of pantomime to it too.
Years later, I read it to friends one drunken night, and there was the vaguest plan to animate and narrate it. I’d quite like to do that still, but now that I have taken up comedy as a hobby it seems a little lacking – too many of the lines came straight from jokebooks, or referred directly to comedies that were hugely popular and quotable when I was in high school. If I was to write it again, I would try and make it more of my own. In actual fact, despite the fact I had never read or seen anything by him at that time, in hindsight it reminds me enormously of Spike Milligan. This might explain why, when I did discover his work, he became something of a hero to me.
This has been a lengthy way of introducing a very silly short story, which you can read in full here.
Just don’t expect too much in the way of plot or character development. It’s a fairytale. And, my teacher didn’t even know where to begin marking it. It was eventually discounted from my portfolio.