These jokes are published here as an indication of my abilities. I have deliberately chosen jokes that are no longer particularly topical, in the hope of discouraging plagiarism. Please do not use any of them without permission and, if appropriate, payment. You can get in touch with me by emailing jordanramills at yahoo dot co dot uk by substituting @ for “at” and . for “dot”. Thanks.
On Easter Monday falling on 1st April 2013:
April Fools! It’s not really Easter. Jesus this was an elaborate one to set up.
On horse meat being found in beef burgers sold in the UK and Ireland:
Has anyone got a conversion chart? I’m trying to work out how much a quarter-pounder is in hands.
It’s my own fault for being greedy, I asked for a quarter-pounder, then said “wait, gie’s mare meat.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make sure you don’t barbecue it then serve it up in a bun with some cheese, lettuce, and relish.
The clue was on the menu – they were offering a side of fries, or a side-saddle.
Putting the á la carte before the horse.
For a healthier diet, eat more red meat and less Red Rum.
On the new suggested updates on Facebook:
“With my hands” is my answer to “How are you feeling, Jordan?”
My suggestions for “Crap Apps”, posted on Twitter:
Lost. If you lose your bearings, this app will tell you how much of a letdown the final season was.
Tory. Installs itself whether you want it to or not, & proceeds to corrupt the system while gradually leaving you with less money.
Draw Nothing. You send your friends a blank screen and they have to guess what it might be.
Forget-Me-Not. If you leave the house without your phone, this app sends you a text to notify you.
Incense. You set fire to your phone and blow it out, then when it fails to make a pleasant smell it really angers you.
“Fifty Shades Of Grey” – Everyone is making jokes and parodies, it’s already too hack so I’m just putting mine here:
Fifty Shades of Earl Grey – it’s a book about how, if the tea isn’t just the right strength, you’re no’ gittin yer hole.
Fifty Shades Of Grain – nobody jumps on anyone, but there’s lots of hops…
Fifty Shades Of Greyhound – a long, slow, uncomfortable ride that goes right across the USA.
Fifty Shades of Greyskull – He-Man and She-Ra go at it like hammer and tongs, watched by Man-at-Arms, Orco, and Battlecat/Cringer.
Fifty Shades Of Dorian Gray – it’s about this guy, and he gets younger, but the portrait in his attic ages, and, well, I’ve never read it even though I was supposed to for my Higher English. Something exquisitely well-written about sex, age, and paintings. I’ll come back to this one, alright?
Fifty Shades Of Grace Darling – because nothing gets you wetter than a shipwreck.
Fifty Shades of Gray’s Anatomy – I’ve never watched it. Someone who has help me out here and make the joke.
Unused submissions for the BBC’s “Newsjack” radio show, Feb 2012:
I get that they’ve made violin strings out of a spider’s silk, but I don’t see how the spider knows what to play.
I see that a man was shot dead in a police operation on Saturday, and I think that’s the best argument yet that we need to keep the NHS. They’ve been operating for years and haven’t shot anyone at all.
We would like to make clear that, when we referred to the shooting of the largest fox in the UK, we did not – of course – mean Samantha. A fox is a sly pest, a good example of this being Doctor Liam.
A couple who tortured and murdered a 15-year-old boy they accused of using witchcraft have been jailed for life. They were found guilty after being dunked in a pool of water, where they floated.
On Glasgow being sealed off to deal with an armed man barricaded in Italian restaurant Amarone:
– He’s apologised for huge amount of resources called out, and is taking steps to reduce his carbonara footprint.
– They’re holding him under chi-anti terrorism laws.
– Not sure if they took him down with a can of tear gas or a can elloni
– I guess the penne dropped.
– Al dente? Al dente you, ya prick!
– His defence was “Amarone jokin!”
– He didn’t like it when they tried to Mussolini in.
– All this over a fusilli remarks…
– Everybody wants a pizza the action.
– He’ll no’ take a tagliatellin’.
– They’ve taken him to hospital – the spaghetti Western.
– Rumours abound it kicked off after he made a passata nother man’s burd…
On Nick Clegg’s appearance on Desert Island Discs:
I’m less interested in what Nick Clegg would take to a Desert Island, and more interested in finding out how soon we can have him transported.
On Cadbury’s plans to manage costs:
Cadbury’s have announced that rather than increase prices, they’re going to decrease pack sizes instead. I look forward to Christmas, and getting a Box of Rose.
On the murder of Joanna Yeates:
Did you all have a nice Christmas? I didn’t, I had a shite Christmas. Know how someone always buys you a pair of socks? This year I got ONE sock. One sock, and a Tesco Express Pizza. I can’t even remember who gave me them, to claim the reward.
On VisitScotland’s ill-researched press release:
VisitScotland put out a press release saying “Come to Glasgow for your Christmas shopping” and they listed a whole load of shops, most of which had shut, moved, or changed hands. Some of them had been shut as long as five years. So VisitScotland put out a new press release saying “Come to Glasgow, it’s near Braehead.”
On the VAT increase:
VAT’s gone up to twenty percent. Some people think that’s a bit steep, but I’m quite happy that everything’s now two-and-a-half percent better value. It must be, it’s value added tax.
On the cryptic status update “I like it on the…” that appeared all over facebook:
Women: In what way does posting an obscure statement about the location of your purse raise awareness of breast cancer? Surely the point of raising awareness is to raise AWARENESS – not to confuse fifty percent of the population who are forced to wonder what all these cryptic status updates mean. All you’ve done is raise awareness of your inability to function logically…
On the upgrading of the Terror Alert status:
The terror alert for the UK has been upgraded to ‘severe’, despite a lack of intelligence – generally – let alone specific to some unknown threat. Essentially, they have gone from “Something might happen” to “No, really, something MIGHT happen.”
On a Tesco advertising campaign from 2008:
Tesco would be more honest if they removed the D I S O E R from their new slogan, “Britain’s Biggest DIScOuntER”. Capitalism is not a virtue.
On the Government’s top drug advisor claiming ecstasy is no worse than riding a horse:
Professor Nutt (the clue’s in the name) reckons Ecstasy is no more harmful than riding a horse. I can’t wait for the club night when everyone’s off their tits on showjumping.
On Swine Flu:
Swine Flu? Pigs might fly…
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